More battles to fight

Mice droppings in the cupboard. Not again.

I went for a walk yesterday

A friend, tortured by her own black dog, called early and said "Put your running shoes on, we're going for a walk". Felt so much better all day. But this morning, I couldn't do it...The worse-in-the-morning thing is something I remember from my particularly bad episode in 2001. I don't know if there's a way around it.

Wardrobe Meme

I've been tagged in a wardrobe meme to name 5 items I wouldn't be without. Here you go....

1. A blue skirt (or two, three or four)
2. White shirts (as above). Especially the crisp cotton or linen variety.
3. Jeans - skinny, boyfriend, whatever. I live in them in the cooler months. Daggy ones at home, nicer ones when I go out or to work...
4. Singlet tops - need them to wear under the majority of tops you buy at the moment, unless you want to sew up gaping holes in inappropriate places. Also good in QLDs ridiculously hot summers.
5. Shoes - ballet flats, gladiator sandals, boots for winter.

I'm supposed to tag 2 people. , so I tag Becky and Petrina (sorry guys!)

Black Dog

My black dog is nipping at my heels. In fact, sometimes he is sitting comfortably on my lap or lying on my bed. And he's whispering lies in my ear.

I need him to go away. And I need to remember the truth.

But why is he even here? I continue to take my medication, and yet I know that's not the answer entirely. Yes, we've had a lot of stress in the last 4 or so months. The death of one Grandfather and the imminent death of another. Dietary changes for HB and me (we're both wheat free now). Treatment of chronic gastritis for me. Making a major purchase. Return to work for me. Continual attacks from some church people.

I explained to patient DH last night that I feel like I have stomped upon myself to turn myself into someone who can fit in here. I can't really be myself for fear of being yelled at or just getting that horrible silence that occurs when people are uncomforatable after you say something. If I admit I am struggling (nobody ever does) I know no-one will offer sympathy, let alone support. My kids have no friends. I feel like the community must be afraid of us because we are 'religious' and I don't know what they think will happen if they let their kids into our house to play (or have them over at their house. I haven't had one invitation since we've lived here, apart from people who visit Bell).

I still don't have a friend here who I can hang out with when the kids are driving me nuts. Yesterday afternoon I had my first more-than-half-an-hour away from the kids for about 4 months, maybe longer. It was wonderful.

I really covet the prayers of those of you who do pray. I almost cried at the hairdresser yesterday afternoon. I know I sound so negative, and I am. And I hate it. My black dog is lying to me and I am powerless to fight him off. Pray that the one who has conquered everything else will do it!

Out here

“It is the will of our Master that his gospel be preached. Let us obey his command, and follow whithersoever he calls. What the success will be it is not ours to inquire. Our only duty is to wish for what is best, and beseech it of the Lord in prayer; to strive with all zeal, solicitude [concern, attentiveness], and diligence, to bring about the desired result, and, at the same time, to submit with patience to whatever the result may be.

“Groundless, therefore, is the charge brought against us of not having done all the good which we wished, and which was to be desired. God bids us plant and water. We have done so. He alone gives the increase. What, then, if he chooses not to give according to our wish? If it is clear that we have faithfully done our part, let not our adversaries require more of us: if the result is unfavourable, let them expostulate [take it up and argue the case] with God.”

This is a Calvin quote emailed by a minister friend of ours this week. It's encouraging. I thought particularly of the family with whom I spent a short term mission in Japan who have laboured for many years with a tiny congregation (it was 5 people 10 years ago). In comparison our 40 people is huge. And really, God has been very kind to us out here. People have come to know the Lord since we have been here, or have grown closer.

And yet Peter and I are doing better. We don't really know why, since we haven't made any close friends with whom we 'click'. Are we just getting used to life out here? Have we 'lowered our standards'? Nevertheless my people-person husband bounced around the room as we hosted a mission team from Sydney before Easter. And we received the following email from the team leader:

"It still seems like just last week that we were privileged to be in Bell and sharing morning tea with you!

We prayed for you at church on Sunday night after I was asked to share about mission. Our pastor asked about a highlight and the first thing that came to mind was the ‘unplanned’ opportunity to hang out in your kitchen over morning tea and enjoy that fellowship God gives with like-minded Christians ... so thanks! The team were definitely encouraged by you and your perseverance – several of them commented quietly over the next few days – and also about the difficulties of working in a place like Bell. They’re also keen to be praying for you. We have a team meeting next Wednesday so if there are particular things we can pray for you, please let me know (we’ll pray for you anyway!). "

More encouragement! So, I don't know. I do know that I particularly miss the support of a like-minded mother who I could get a break from my kids, or at least some sympathy from. Peter misses that in a bloke his age...