My black dog is nipping at my heels. In fact, sometimes he is sitting comfortably on my lap or lying on my bed. And he's whispering lies in my ear.
I need him to go away. And I need to remember the truth.
But why is he even here? I continue to take my medication, and yet I know that's not the answer entirely. Yes, we've had a lot of stress in the last 4 or so months. The death of one Grandfather and the imminent death of another. Dietary changes for HB and me (we're both wheat free now). Treatment of chronic gastritis for me. Making a major purchase. Return to work for me. Continual attacks from some church people.
I explained to patient DH last night that I feel like I have stomped upon myself to turn myself into someone who can fit in here. I can't really be myself for fear of being yelled at or just getting that horrible silence that occurs when people are uncomforatable after you say something. If I admit I am struggling (nobody ever does) I know no-one will offer sympathy, let alone support. My kids have no friends. I feel like the community must be afraid of us because we are 'religious' and I don't know what they think will happen if they let their kids into our house to play (or have them over at their house. I haven't had one invitation since we've lived here, apart from people who visit Bell).
I still don't have a friend here who I can hang out with when the kids are driving me nuts. Yesterday afternoon I had my first more-than-half-an-hour away from the kids for about 4 months, maybe longer. It was wonderful.
I really covet the prayers of those of you who do pray. I almost cried at the hairdresser yesterday afternoon. I know I sound so negative, and I am. And I hate it. My black dog is lying to me and I am powerless to fight him off. Pray that the one who has conquered everything else will do it!
Bad Dog!
ReplyDeleteYour post made me ache. I stopped and prayed and will again. Persevere, my friend. Even if that means collapsing at His feet.
I know that dog - very bad dog indeed.
ReplyDeleteWhen we went to Mackay I prayed that God would give me a close friend there. He gave me a church family.
I'm praying that He will do something great in this area for you too.
Do you get to do much in the way of quilting at the store you mentioned previously? At least that's a way of talking with adults.
made me ache, too, Helen, will keep praying for you xx
ReplyDeleteOh Helen. I feel for you in your struggle. I pray that you will feel God's closeness.
ReplyDeleteHi Helen - nice to 'meet' you (and thank you for reading my blog!). :) I'm so sorry that the black dog is sniffing around you too, he's a terrible beast. Am praying for you, that God would lift you up and give you rest, solace and joy.
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